Really good vibrator joke

Daughters vibrator.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. 
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 

What are you doing?" she exclaimed. 

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. 
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. 
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed. 

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Herb Gart
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Jesus and Dad

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when he had the need to use the restroom. He couldn't just leave his post, lest someone enter who wasn't qualified. He looks over and sees Jesus walking by and calls him over. "Hey Jesus!" says St. Peter. "Could you guard the Pearly Gates for me while I go to the restroom?" "Sure," says Jesus, "but I've never done this before. What do I do?" "Well," says St. Peter. "Just stand here and don't let anyone in until I get back. If someone comes along, strike up a conversation with them until I get back." "I think I can do that," says Jesus, so St. Peter goes off on his way. About that time an old guy comes ambling along. Jesus says "You look like you're looking for someone. Can I help?" The old man says, "Yes, I'm looking for my son." Jesus replies "What does he look like? Does he have any distinguishing marks?" The old man replies, "Yes, he has holes in in hands and feet." Jesus pauses, looks down at his hands and feet, looks astonishingly at the old man and says "I have holes in my hands and feet." Jesus extends out his hands to the old man and says "Dad?" The old man looks back at him and says "Pinocchio?"

 

God vs Science

God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,"Lord we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to make life out of nothing. Just like what you did it in the beginning." "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." God replies. "Well," says the scientist, "we take dirt and form it into a form of a man and breathe life into it, thus make life." "Show me" So the scientist bends down and picks up dirt and molds the soil. "Oh, no no no!" interrupts God. "Make your own dirt." 

From John Homer, Rochester, Minnesota

Herb Gart
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Awful joke

A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "One for me and one for the road." 

Herb Gart
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YESTERDAY PUTIN - I MEAN TRUMP

if we reject the worst of the possible explanations for Trump’s behavior, what are we left with?
How do we explain the overtly pro-Russian behavior of Trump and his surrogates? If they’re not Russian puppets, why do they work so hard to defend Putin and Russia against American investigators and reporters? Why do they divert blame to other countries and victims of the hack? Why, instead of targeting the Russian intelligence agencies that infiltrated us, do they attack the American intelligence agencies that exposed the Russians?
Slate published this on Friday, and the questions have only grown more serious since.

Yesterday, for example, Trump sat down with two European newspapers for an interview in which he dismissed NATO as “obsolete”; criticized German Chancellor Angela Merkel for assisting Syrian refugees (whom Trump referred to as “illegals”); said the United States “should be ready to trust” Russian President Vladimir Putin; and endorsed the further unraveling of the European Union.

Not to put too fine a point on this, but if the Kremlin had literally written a script and handed it to Trump to read during the interview, it would’ve sounded exactly like this.

For eight years, Republicans have accused President Obama of encouraging U.S. enemies and discouraging U.S. allies. America’s longtime friends, GOP politicians have said, are no longer sure they can count on support from the United States as a result of Obama’s foreign policy. The bizarre argument has always been wrong, but ironically, it’s poised to become true in the Republican administration that takes power on Friday.

For Team Trump, any suggestion that the president-elect is being blackmailed by Russia, that Putin has damaging dirt on Trump, or that Trump feels the need to pay Russia back for helping him win the presidency is outlandish and offensive. But what Trump’s aides and allies haven’t been able to explain is why in the world the incoming U.S. president keeps going out of his way to do precisely what Putin wants him to do.

No puppet, no puppet.

A Craig's list winner!

I have an extra bedroom in my 2 bedroom apartment that I am willing to let someone stay in for completely free. The only stipulation is that I would like to be in a servant-type role for my roommate. What this means is that I would want to do my roommate's chores (dishes, laundry, etc), run errands for him, and basically treat him like a king. I want NOTHING sexual at all from this. I have simply always wanted to be in a servant-role so I figured this could be a way to do it.

I am a 30-year old white, single male with a good job. I'm sure this ad seems strange, but I am not crazy/weird and I am not looking for anything besides what this ad says. 

Herb Gart
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TRUMP IS RIDING A BUBBLE THAT IS DUE TO BURST!

a plurality of Democrats believe, accurately, that more Americans have health insurance, while a plurality of Republicans believe the opposite. A clear majority (61%) of voters who backed Hillary Clinton answered the question correctly, while an even larger majority (74%) of voters who backed Donald Trump got it wrong.

The persistence of the “reality gap” continues to be a problem.

A national Public Policy Polling survey found Trump voters believing all sorts of wrong things, on issues ranging from unemployment (Trump voters believe it went up under Obama, which is the opposite of the truth), to the stock market (Trump voters believe it went down under Obama, which is the opposite of the truth), to the popular vote (Trump voters believe it went in the Republican’s favor, which is the opposite of the truth).   the “reality gap” isn’t altogether new: for years, many Republicans have told pollsters they believe border security has weakened under Obama (it’s actually strengthened), the deficit has gotten bigger (it’s actually shrunk by a huge margin), and the nation’s uninsured rate has gone up (it’s actually at an all-time low).       
Rachel Maddow blog