tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:/posts herbgart's incite site 2017-05-23T12:51:23Z Herb Gart tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1156614 2017-05-23T12:51:23Z 2017-05-23T12:51:23Z God's gift to men - pee standing up!

 One day in the Garden of Eden, God comes to Adam and Eve and tells them he has two gifts — one for each of them. The first, he says, is the ability to pee standing up. Adam starts jumping up and down excitedly and loudly declares that he wants it. Eve, listening to him jabbering on and on about it, rolls her eyes and asks God what he has left for her. "Brains," he replies.

 

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1156043 2017-05-21T22:28:13Z 2017-05-21T22:28:13Z Republican puppies for sale!

 A fellow is selling puppies at a flea market. His sign says, "Republican Puppies, $50." A week later, the same man is selling the same puppies at the same flea market, but the sign says "Democratic Puppies, $50." A possible customer asks, "What's up? Last week they were Republican puppies and this week they are Democratic puppies?" The seller replies, "This week their eyes are open." 

 

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1154717 2017-05-17T16:33:59Z 2017-05-17T16:33:59Z the lottery winner

 The car comes screeching into the driveway and the woman gets out and runs into the house shouting to her husband, "I just won the lottery. Start packing!" Her husband says, "Great news! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She says, "It doesn't matter. Just get out!"

 

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1149336 2017-04-25T21:43:35Z 2017-04-25T21:43:35Z Trump Shutdown from Onion
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144754 2017-04-07T13:51:03Z 2017-04-07T13:51:06Z MYSTERIOUS last words from R.I.P. Don Nickles LAST WORDS:   Rosebud
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144753 2017-04-07T13:48:34Z 2017-04-07T13:48:34Z DON RICKLES LAST WORDS R.I.P. Don Nickles LAST WORDS: " Frank! Frank! Frank!  "
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144750 2017-04-07T13:36:03Z 2017-04-07T13:42:20Z R.I.P. DON RICKLES Don Nickles LAST WORDS:  "Pay the bastard!"]]> Herb Gart tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144749 2017-04-07T13:33:59Z 2017-04-07T13:34:00Z R.I.P. NICKLES Don Nickles LAST WORDS:  "I feel better now!"
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144741 2017-04-07T13:16:30Z 2017-04-07T13:16:31Z R.I.P. Don Don Nickles LAST WORDS:  What are you looking at Hockey Puck!""
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144740 2017-04-07T13:13:41Z 2017-04-07T13:13:41Z R.I.P. Don Rickles Don Nickles LAST WORDS:  "You can't take it with you? I'm glad I can leave my family, friends and fans behind."
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144739 2017-04-07T13:08:36Z 2017-04-07T13:08:38Z R.I.P. Rickles Don Nickles LAST WORDS: "Kick the bucket? What bucket?"
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144738 2017-04-07T13:05:31Z 2017-04-07T13:05:32Z R.I.P. Don Don Nickles LAST WORDS:  "I'm sorry."
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1144727 2017-04-07T12:30:13Z 2017-04-07T12:30:14Z R.I.P.
Don Nickles LAST WORDS:  "I'm sorry."



Herb Gart
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1138555 2017-03-14T08:42:45Z 2017-03-14T08:42:46Z That's ONCE

A couple were celebrating their golden wedding anniversary in Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful and loving couple." A local newspaper reporter inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. The husband replied, "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon. We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, 'That's once.' We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.' We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead. I shouted at her, 'What's wrong with you, woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy?' She looked at ME, and quietly said, 'That's once.' And from that moment on ... we have lived happily ever after."  

 

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1136158 2017-03-05T16:33:54Z 2017-03-05T16:33:54Z America isn't America anymore!

Also in late February, Henry Rousso, a celebrated French historian of the Holocaust who was born and raised in Egypt, was detained for 10 hours at the George Bush Intercontinental Airport in Houston. Rousso, author of The Vichy Syndrome, about France’s struggle to reckon with its World War II history, was traveling to a symposium at Texas A&M University. Border officials questioned him about his visa and accused him of attempting to work illegally in the U.S. Rousso was first told that he would be deported, but was eventually released after Texas A&M learned of the situation and intervened. Like Mem Fox, Rousso’s experience has altered his view of the United States, as he wrote:

This incident has caused me some discomfort, but I cannot stop thinking of all those who suffer these humiliations and legal violence without the protections I was able to benefit from. …How can one explain this zeal if not by the concern to fulfill quotas and justify increased controls? That is the situation today in this country. We must now face arbitrariness and incompetence at all levels. I heard recently that “Paris isn’t Paris anymore.” The United States seems no longer quite the United States. 


Herb Gart
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1135367 2017-03-02T06:57:17Z 2017-03-02T06:57:18Z Texas vs Alaska HaHa!
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Today's Joke: A guy walks into an Alaskan bar...

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Pretty Good Joke of the Dayfrom A Prairie Home Companion®

A guy walks into an Alaskan bar wearing a 10-gallon hat. He announces, "I'm from Texas, and I'm fed up with living in the second largest state. How do I become a citizen of Alaska?" A bush pilot steps up and says, "It's simple. All you have to do is drink a quart of whiskey, wrestle a bear, and make love to a woman, all in the same night." "Fair enough! One quart of whiskey, barkeep!" The Texan downs the liquor. A little wobbly now, he turns and runs from the bar. An hour later, the cowboy returns. His clothes are torn and bloody. His face is scratched and one eye is blackened. He addresses the bush pilot. "Now, where's this woman I have to wrestle?" 
I love great Artists, no matter what the medium
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1133400 2017-02-22T16:18:47Z 2017-02-22T16:18:48Z FBI, The Onion and Trump

FBI Panicking After Learning Encrypted National Security Communications May Have Been Intercepted By Trump Administration

WASHINGTON—Fearing the information had already fallen into the wrong hands, the FBI was panicking Tuesday after learning encrypted national security communications may have been intercepted by the Trump administration. “We are incredibly troubled to have learned that transmissions vital to homeland security could have been captured and decrypted by President Trump’s staff,” said FBI director James Comey, who said agency servers were rapidly being destroyed as a precaution while an urgent investigation was conducted. “If it turns out that Trump officials have indeed acquired these correspondences, it could mean the entire United States security architecture is compromised. We want to assure the American people, however, that we are doing absolutely everything in our power to determine what, if anything, has been obtained by these volatile and dangerous individuals.” At press time, the FBI’s worst fears had not yet been realized, as the Trump administration did not appear to be acting on any information from national security agencies whatsoever.
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1133153 2017-02-21T18:25:36Z 2017-02-21T18:25:36Z Pro and Con Politics 😃
If "pro" is the opposite of "con" then the opposite of "progress" must be "congress." 

Herb Gart
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1131343 2017-02-14T21:11:41Z 2017-02-14T21:11:41Z SATAN meets his match!

People were in their pews at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't," said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill with a word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 44 years."

 

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1131049 2017-02-13T23:33:24Z 2017-02-13T23:33:24Z VALENTINE (DIFFERENT) ]]> Herb Gart tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1130448 2017-02-11T17:18:49Z 2017-02-11T17:18:49Z Obama kitesurfing!

lady-gaga-obama-and-rios-maracana-stadium-the-20-photographs-of-the-week.jpg

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1129966 2017-02-09T17:38:02Z 2017-02-09T17:38:02Z the Church and Bombs!

The church, she said, has taught that “you don’t get to God’s Kingdom by blowing up what’s here.”

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1129587 2017-02-08T08:08:37Z 2017-02-08T08:08:38Z Trump's soul

Opinions

If he only had a soul



309583583_0-5.jpg

President Trump smiles while being introduced at the National Prayer Breakfast. (Win Mcnamee/Bloomberg)

By Garrison Keillor February 7 at 1:41 PM

Garrison Keillor is an author and radio personality.




The Constitution does not allow 13-year-olds to become president, and after last week we can see why.


The Boy President proudly holding his latest executive order up for the cameras, to show that he knows right-side-up from upside-down. Bringing his Supreme Court nominee onstage. (“So was that a surprise? Was it?”) Cutting short a call with the prime minister of Australia. His homage to Frederick Douglass (“someone who’s done an amazing job”) for Black History Month. Twittering about the “so-called judge” who stopped the Muslim travel ban. Pictured in full smirk at the National Prayer Breakfast, preening, bloviating (“In towns all across our land, it’s plain to see what we easily forget — so easily we forget this — that the quality of our lives is not defined by our material success, but by our spiritual success.”) on a scale of bloviation equal to Warren G. Harding and the great gasbags of the 19th century. You think, Let the man be president but please don’t put him in charge of the Weather Service or Amtrak or the TSA.


His homage to the Navy SEAL killed in the botched raid in Yemen showed off his style. He has only one, the Jerry Lewis Telethon style: “Very, very sad, but very, very beautiful. Very, very beautiful. His family was there. Incredible family, loved him so much. So devastated — he was so devastated. But the ceremony was amazing.” Bill Murray destroyed this style, so did Ray of Bob and Ray, Ring Lardner, H.L. Mencken, Sinclair Lewis, Mark Twain and every satirist who ever lived, and here it is, still walking around, and it will be the voice of our government for years to come.

Senate Republicans have been blessing his Cabinet appointees. They might have balked at Ben Dover for secretary of defense or Hedda Hair for secretary of state, but the nominees were fairly respectable, compared with the man who nominated them. They showed dignity. They didn’t sit before a Senate committee and talk about their great TV ratings. They tried to address the subject at hand. They didn’t say, “What an honor. So many great senators here this morning. So very, very important to all of us. Beautiful people. You do incredible things. So very special.”


The National Prayer Breakfast is one of those deadly official pieties, like sand burrs that you can’t get rid of. Every elected official must now wear a flag pin; more and more public meetings begin with the Pledge of Allegiance, grown people whose allegiance used to be assumed now required to stand and salute the flag, like obedient grade-school pupils. Why not recite the multiplication tables and the parts of speech? And then there is the official Prayer Breakfast, which shows the reason for separation of church and state: because politicians corrupt the church. Jesus was rough on those who pray for show, but there was the Boy President complimenting the Senate chaplain for his fine prayer, as if it were a performance.

He went on to gas about his agent and his TV show and to say that as long as we have God, we are never alone and to say that he grew up in a “churched home” and that it is faith that keeps us strong. He also announced that we are not only flesh and blood: We each have a soul.

I’d like to believe that he does have one and that we just haven’t seen it yet. I would’ve been moved if he had said a prayer at the Prayer Breakfast. A classic Christian prayer, such as “Lord God, You know that I am unworthy to be here as president. You know that I have lied and worked hard to incite fear and intolerance and to capitalize on it politically. I have seduced your believers and made myself their Great White Hope, even though I am not one of them and never was. You know that I am not capable of executing my duties as the American people deserve. Lord, I come to You in my unworthiness and shame and I ask You to take this cup from me. I wish to go to Iowa and join the Trappist monastery there and take vows of silence and poverty and learn carpentry or some other useful trade and draw nearer to You in poverty and prayer. This I pray in Your Name. Amen and Amen.”


Had he been in the Spirit, he would’ve said that. But there will be more opportunities to come.

(Trump asks for prayers for Arnold Schwarzenegger at National Prayer Breakfast

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1128731 2017-02-05T07:25:11Z 2017-02-05T07:25:12Z Really good vibrator joke
Daughters vibrator.

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. 
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. 

What are you doing?" she exclaimed. 

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. 
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator. 

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. 
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed. 

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."

Herb Gart
Sent from Polymail
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1127770 2017-02-01T04:53:09Z 2017-02-01T04:53:10Z Jesus and Dad

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates when he had the need to use the restroom. He couldn't just leave his post, lest someone enter who wasn't qualified. He looks over and sees Jesus walking by and calls him over. "Hey Jesus!" says St. Peter. "Could you guard the Pearly Gates for me while I go to the restroom?" "Sure," says Jesus, "but I've never done this before. What do I do?" "Well," says St. Peter. "Just stand here and don't let anyone in until I get back. If someone comes along, strike up a conversation with them until I get back." "I think I can do that," says Jesus, so St. Peter goes off on his way. About that time an old guy comes ambling along. Jesus says "You look like you're looking for someone. Can I help?" The old man says, "Yes, I'm looking for my son." Jesus replies "What does he look like? Does he have any distinguishing marks?" The old man replies, "Yes, he has holes in in hands and feet." Jesus pauses, looks down at his hands and feet, looks astonishingly at the old man and says "I have holes in my hands and feet." Jesus extends out his hands to the old man and says "Dad?" The old man looks back at him and says "Pinocchio?"

 

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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1125016 2017-01-22T09:05:35Z 2017-01-22T09:05:35Z Forgive this awful joke What do you call a dog with no legs? Nothing they won't come anyway...]]> Herb Gart tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1124914 2017-01-21T19:22:08Z 2017-01-21T19:22:08Z God vs Science
God is sitting in Heaven when a scientist says to Him,"Lord we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to make life out of nothing. Just like what you did it in the beginning." "Oh, is that so? Tell me..." God replies. "Well," says the scientist, "we take dirt and form it into a form of a man and breathe life into it, thus make life." "Show me" So the scientist bends down and picks up dirt and molds the soil. "Oh, no no no!" interrupts God. "Make your own dirt." 

From John Homer, Rochester, Minnesota

Herb Gart
Sent from Polymail
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1124911 2017-01-21T19:17:38Z 2017-01-21T19:17:39Z Awful joke
A guy walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm. "What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "One for me and one for the road." 

Herb Gart
Sent from Polymail
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1124808 2017-01-21T01:17:47Z 2017-01-21T01:17:47Z Trump has already screwed us!
WhiteHouse.gov immediately wiped pages on LGBT rights, civil rights, climate change, and health care from its “issues” section after Donald Trump took the oath of office.

Herb Gart
Sent from Polymail
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Herb Gart
tag:herbgart.posthaven.com,2013:Post/1123700 2017-01-17T01:41:47Z 2017-01-17T01:41:48Z YESTERDAY PUTIN - I MEAN TRUMP
if we reject the worst of the possible explanations for Trump’s behavior, what are we left with?
How do we explain the overtly pro-Russian behavior of Trump and his surrogates? If they’re not Russian puppets, why do they work so hard to defend Putin and Russia against American investigators and reporters? Why do they divert blame to other countries and victims of the hack? Why, instead of targeting the Russian intelligence agencies that infiltrated us, do they attack the American intelligence agencies that exposed the Russians?
Slate published this on Friday, and the questions have only grown more serious since.

Yesterday, for example, Trump sat down with two European newspapers for an interview in which he dismissed NATO as “obsolete”; criticized German Chancellor Angela Merkel for assisting Syrian refugees (whom Trump referred to as “illegals”); said the United States “should be ready to trust” Russian President Vladimir Putin; and endorsed the further unraveling of the European Union.

Not to put too fine a point on this, but if the Kremlin had literally written a script and handed it to Trump to read during the interview, it would’ve sounded exactly like this.

For eight years, Republicans have accused President Obama of encouraging U.S. enemies and discouraging U.S. allies. America’s longtime friends, GOP politicians have said, are no longer sure they can count on support from the United States as a result of Obama’s foreign policy. The bizarre argument has always been wrong, but ironically, it’s poised to become true in the Republican administration that takes power on Friday.

For Team Trump, any suggestion that the president-elect is being blackmailed by Russia, that Putin has damaging dirt on Trump, or that Trump feels the need to pay Russia back for helping him win the presidency is outlandish and offensive. But what Trump’s aides and allies haven’t been able to explain is why in the world the incoming U.S. president keeps going out of his way to do precisely what Putin wants him to do.

No puppet, no puppet.
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Herb Gart