God awful joke

A guy runs into a bar, panting, and shouts at the bartender, “Quick, tell me — do you have penguins around these parts?” The bartender says, “Uh, no, we don't.” The man groans and says, “Oh, my god, I just ran over a nun...” 

teachers' gifts

The candy store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, "Champagne?" "No..." said the little boy. "It's a puppy!"


Kushner chaos, hubris?

Kushner’s outreach, at a time of alleged Russian meddling in the U.S. election, has fed accusations of Trump campaign collusion, which the FBI is investigating.

Former CIA boss Michael Hayden asked on CNN: “What manner of ignorance, chaos, hubris, suspicion, contempt would you have to have to think that doing this with the Russian ambassador was a good or an appropriate idea?”

Back channels are fine, Hayden said, “but you don’t do it when you’re not the government and I don’t think you do it using your adversary’s communications system.”

God's gift to men - pee standing up!

 One day in the Garden of Eden, God comes to Adam and Eve and tells them he has two gifts — one for each of them. The first, he says, is the ability to pee standing up. Adam starts jumping up and down excitedly and loudly declares that he wants it. Eve, listening to him jabbering on and on about it, rolls her eyes and asks God what he has left for her. "Brains," he replies.


Republican puppies for sale!

 A fellow is selling puppies at a flea market. His sign says, "Republican Puppies, $50." A week later, the same man is selling the same puppies at the same flea market, but the sign says "Democratic Puppies, $50." A possible customer asks, "What's up? Last week they were Republican puppies and this week they are Democratic puppies?" The seller replies, "This week their eyes are open." 


the lottery winner

 The car comes screeching into the driveway and the woman gets out and runs into the house shouting to her husband, "I just won the lottery. Start packing!" Her husband says, "Great news! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?" She says, "It doesn't matter. Just get out!"